Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Rushed Reflection

J. is asleep in my bed. I wasn't expecting it, him to stay the night. I was in "academic mode" in preparation for a night full of reading, writing, and preparing for today's classes. (And other administrative banalities.) I felt put out, thrown-off, disoriented: I was in a certain mindset, approaching a certain type of practice, and needless to say, it is not one necessarily conducive to small talk or sexual intimacy. "Sublimation" isn't strong enough to characterize the sort of affective process of engaging in critical reflection and analysis. There is a process of becoming "into" that particular modality of performativity which takes time and various adjustments to posture, gesture, tone and tempo of speech. It is, as it were, an "inhabituation"--a more or less habitualized inhabiting of a certain comportment to the world; a particular _in_ -relation-to... It took me 5 hours to realize what I wish I had recognized in the moment, namely, I am happy to be hearing his alarm going off, to have worked while he was in the other room sleeping. I tried to affect a radical persona-change in mid-stride, and utterly failed. It takes a lot of time to un-/re-dress, too. Much like Mr. Rogers, there is a ritual, or obsessive-compulsive sequencings that enable me to shift between/within multiple relationalities with more or less ease. In hind-sight, I should have simply said what I felt (my pleasure over the pleasure of his company), and then gone to work. I confessed to J. that I was no doubt terrible company because I wasn't really anticipating spending any time with him. But I don't know why I didn't just spend the time I did with him in a relaxed manner, and then gone off to work. I confessed further: I feel guilty putting my work ahead of you. He scoffed, just as I would if he were to say the same. He reminds me of my own commitments, and I am able to trust the way in which he respects and supports my ambitions. This even after jabbering on in a no doubt increasingly polemical manner. I am, however, that I have the chance to say this to him before the sun rises. So that I can share with him the pleasure of his company. An excellent start to the day. ("It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, It's a beautiful for a neighbor, won't you be mine? I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you..." hahaha)

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