Monday, July 27, 2009

And The Morning Sun Will Make Our Bodies Comfortable

Even though I slept through an hour of J.'s phone calls--the consequence of another sleepless night is a nap (I'm getting old)--when he finally succeeded in getting me awake he greeted me with home-made salsa, chips, dinner from Wholefoods, and other goodies. I don't know what that's like. When I dated my ex I was the one who would surprise her with little romantic moments, preparing a nice little dinner for us or something to this effect. Now I am also the recipient of such expressions of affection.

I like this about gay relationships: there is, because of our "sameness," the capacity to embody multiple positions--to be the "top" and the "bottom" and all the gendered meanings that such shorthand implies. I can be, as a man, treated with affection, cared for, holistically; I am not forced to sever from myself needs, desires, or means of expression for the sake of a cultural norm. In the true Freudian sense of "bisexual" I am allowed--encouraged!--to be both "active" and "passive"/"man" and "woman". With J. there is the beautiful fluidity to our roles. There is a joyous inhibition when it comes to care: he and I do not hesitate to lavish affection upon one another.

Last night I prepared us dinner--I'd say I "cooked" but really all I did was "arrange" pre-cooked foods in a nice, edible manner. He came over, we ate, drank a few beers, and then he went off to work. Tonight he will come over for a movie after he's done with work and we will hang-out tomorrow whenever it is we wake up.

He's amazing. Simple as that. I've never felt anything quite like the pleasure I do when I am in his company. The other night at a private house party through the Toy Gallery I was bragging about our relationship. These women were so desperate for answers, for me to explain everything to them, to make their sex life safe, predictable, satisfying. I felt like a priest and a therapist all at once, but I answered like an ubermensch: this is my way, where is yours? Of course, I never bragged outright. Instead, I gave answers like "I've found I needed to adjust my own expectations of what counts as communication because I realized he was 'saying' everything I wanted and needed to hear, but in his own way."

While he's at work I'm going to grade my students' papers, grab a movie, and shower. He'll come over and I'll be home.

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